Q
A
Difficulties with Orgasm
I have never had an orgasm and can't figure out why. What does
it feel like? Do you always cum? I was married for over 10 years
and hated having sex with my (ex) husband. Now I am divorced
and in a non serious relationship that is physically amazing and I
love having sex, but haven't climaxed yet. What am I not doing
right?
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It is estimated that 24% - 29% of healthy women experience
some difficulties with orgasm and research puts it at about 30%
of women do not orgasm in all sexual encounters. Researchers
in human sexuality describe the female orgasm as “a variable,
transient peak sensation of intense pleasure, creating an altered
state of consciousness” that results in a heightened sense of well
being and contentment. Orgasm is a subjective physiological,
emotional, and, some might add, spiritual, experience.
Physiologically, it involves involuntary, rhythmic contractions of
the muscles in the pelvic area, vagina, uterus, and anal
sphincter.
There are a host of possibilities that can affect your ability to
have an orgasm. They can include medical issues that I would
suggests you rule out by your doctor. Certain medications can
make orgasm difficult and conditions such as diabetes and
hypertension can cause a decrease in arousal which, in turn, can
affect orgasm. But more often than not, other non-medical
issues get in the way. History of sexual trauma and abuse,
unpleasant sexual experiences in the past, lack of emotional
intimacy in the relationship, extreme religious and/or restrictive
childhoods are just some of the obstacles that get in the way of
having an enjoyable, fulfilling sexual life.
I recommend the classic book “For Yourself: The Fulfillment of
Female Sexuality” by Lonnie Garfield Barbach. It was originally
written in the 70’s but there is a new, updated edition. It contains
exercises that you can use to help you discover your body,
become comfortable with erotic sensations, as well as help you
experience orgasm.
Q
A
For as long as I remember, I've never ejaculated while having
vaginal intercourse. I'm fine when I masturbate, but just can't
seem to get aroused enough for orgasm. What is this called?
and how can I fix this problem. We would like to have children
and I hate faking orgasm.
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The clinical term for the problem you describe is Male Orgasmic
Disorder, also know as inhibited ejaculation, impaired
ejaculation and delayed ejaculation. Because you say you are
able to ejaculate when self-pleasuring, it can be assumed that
medical and/or physiological causes are not at play.
There are many theories as to the psychological causes of
inhibited ejaculation. Common themes include fears of
pregnancy and of commitment. If the relationship is troubled
and control issues exist outside of the bedroom, inhibited
ejaculation can be a “holding back” –a way of regaining control
between the sheets. Other things, such as strict religious
beliefs and performance anxiety can be an obstacle.
What I have seen as the most common factor is inadequate
stimulation and not enough ‘core-play’. No, I didn’t mean ‘fore-
play’. Fore-play implies that it is something you do before the
good stuff. Core-play is the good stuff!!! So much emphasis is
placed on penetration and orgasm that some couples rush
through the core-play and don’t get enough stimulation and
arousal. Also, if you are overly concerned with pleasuring your
partner you may become too distracted from your own
sensations and loss excitement.
What I recommend is that you slow down a bit. Agree with your
wife to take some time off from intercourse and even self-
pleasuring for a while (2-4 weeks). Then spend time together
enhancing your core-play skills. Sensual messages, playful
touching and stroking, oral stimulation, and very importantly,
communicating about what you like sexually and how you like to
be touched. If this doesn’t help, please consider consulting with
a sex therapist.