My boyfriend can only get an erection with my help. I actually
have to get him there by oral sex. Simply talking about what I
want to do to him or him even thinking about us having sex
does not arouse him. He can also control how long he keeps
the erection during oral sex, but once we have intercourse he
reaches an orgasm within a few minutes. He starts to have an
orgasm quickly during oral sex, but he knows what to do to
stop himself (I do too), but during intercourse he does not
have that control. He has had this problem for a very, very
long time. Even when he was younger he could not last a
long time during intercourse.
Based on the description you provided, it sounds like your
boyfriend has premature ejaculation. This is a sexual
dysfunction that can have many possible causes and visiting
a sex therapist may be helpful. Some recommendations to
help correct this problem include trying to take the focus off
of "performance" and on to simply experiencing pleasure.
Suggest to your boyfriend that you want to spend some time
enjoying each others bodies without intercourse and without
orgasm being the primary goal. Agree in advance that there
will be no penetration. This can relieve a lot of pressure and
allows you both to just enjoy the moment. You can start by
having "intimacy sessions" where you both focus on
experiencing the sensations of touching each other. Your
own hands have thousands of receptor sites that receive
sensations from touching. Tell your boyfriend that he is to
touch you for himself and you are to touch him for yourself.
Practice staying in the "here and now" by focusing on what
you are senses (touch, sight, sounds, smells, taste) pick up.
Another suggestion is to apply a topical cream to your
boyfriends penis, that produces a numbing effect. You can
purchase these at adult shops or online. For added benefit,
have your boyfriend apply the cream and put on a condom
for 5-10 minutes. This will help the cream to be absorbed
better into the skin of the penis. Remove the condom before
having sex. You can get a cream that is nontoxic and some
have pleasant tastes and scents.
Improving Your Sex Life
Q
A
My wife and I, both in our early 20's and only ever with each
other, have been using a "your turn-my turn" sexual method
since we became active. She responds only to a clitoral
vibrator and is uncomfortable with manual or oral
stimulation. The difficulty arises in that by the time she
finishes, I am physically unaroused and once I get going
again, she is both emotionally and physically disinterested
(she gets a bit dry and I sometimes can't seem to stay inside
her). I would like to know if there are techniques or changes
we can make to be more in synch with one another. So far it
has not been an issue between us, but I like to nip these
things in the bud, so to speak.
This could get boring pretty fast! I think there are some
important basics to remember…first, woman need more
foreplay to reach a level of arousal that makes clitoral
stimulation (whether manual or oral) comfortable. The
clitoris is highly sensitive and unless there is adequate
arousal and lubrication, direct stimulation can be even
painful. Put the vibrator aside and try just spending time
caressing, stroking, licking her body, her arms, neck, hips,
inner thighs. Spend some time softly caressing her breasts
and nipples. This produces hormones that enhance
arousal. Lightly touch and stroke the outer and inner labia.
For most woman, simulation of the vagina is the least
stimulating, so try limiting your focus there. Ask her to do
the same to you--that is, caressing and stroking other parts
of your body and not rushing to get to your penis. Think
about sex as a journey to be enjoyed, the destination
(orgasm) is not the goal. I bet when you go on vacation you
are not thinking about getting home, rather, you are trying
to enjoy each day as fully as you can. So it is with sex!
Q
A
I'm 21 and I have a small penis. It's about 4 inches long
when hard. I'm scared to have sex because I'm a virgin and
the 4 inches is embarrassing. I think women will laugh at me.
Please help me.
So it does seem that your penis size falls in the "small"
range according to various studies and I can understand
that you may feel embarrassed especially given the way our
society tends to connect masculinity and desirability to the
size of one's penis. And I will not lie…there are some women
who will say "size matters"…however, this is not ALL women.
In fact, ask a woman what she wants most in a partner I'll bet
the word penis won't be mentioned. What you will hear are
things like "some one who listens", "someone who shares
similar interests", "someone who can communicate". My
recommendation for you is to start getting involved in
activities that you enjoy and that will put you around like-
minded women. Start slow by getting to know someone,
dating, spending quality time together. There are many
women who would appreciate a man who has a desire to get
to know them, rather than getting them in bed quickly. When
you find someone you trust and feel a connection to the
sexual relationship will evolve naturally.
Q
A
I have been with this girl for about six months. We have a
decent sexual relationship but I think we are both very
apprehensive. We both wait for the other person to make the
first move. Well I am just looking for new ways to spice up our
relationship. I bought a the ultamite jack rabbit and the diving
dolphin toys from the site [spicygear.com] for christmas. She
has never used them nor have I. I dont know how to introduce
it. Also we are not into anal but I know that touching around
the area is can add to the feelings? I dont want to shock her
but do I just go for it or talk about it first. thanks
It sounds like you and your girl friend are in for a very fun and
exciting Christmas!
You mention that there is still some shyness around sex on
both your parts—which is not surprising given the length of
the relationship. These things take time and your sexual
relationship is always evolving. You may want to feel her out
a little, by suggesting to her that you explore a sex toy site,
like spicygear.com, together. Observe her reaction to the
things on the site, ask her questions about what seems
appealing to her. Be honest with her about the things that
turn you on or you are curious about.
You mention that you are “not into anal” but it does sound
like you are very curious and may be into it more than you
know right now. It is true that the anal area and anus is very
sexually responsive. The “diving dolphin” toy you purchased
is perfect for stimulating her anus so if she has not explored
that possibility yet, she may be in for a delightful surprise!
Q
A
What is the correct way to perform cunninlingus? Or is
there a basic technique that needs customizing?
I would have to say no, there is no “correct way” to
perform cunnilingus. That is because every women is
different in what she likes. It is best to never get to the
point that you believe you know everything there is to
know!! Communicating with your partner, asking her what
she likes, what she didn’t like is paramount for great sex.
But it doesn’t hurt to get some pointers from some other
reliable sources. I suggest you look into a video that can
guide you in polishing up your skills and can help to
alleviate your anxieties about oral sex. Spicygear.com
sells a DVD titled “Better Oral Sex Techniques” that may
be helpful to you.
Q
A
