QA_whenloverdies

My husband(age 50) died 2 yrs ago in October. We were married nearly
30 years. I was hoping that my desire for sex went with Him, but lately my
dreams have been more erotic. I am 50 years old and have been in grief
counseling regularly since about a month after he died of multiple causes
related to end stage renal failure. I have no desire at this time to begin
another relationship. I have multiple health problems myself which require
me to be on auxillarly oxygen at 3L/min. My question is "How realistic or
healthy is my plan to ignore the sexual part of my being with the hope
that it will just "go away with time"? My grief counselour is an extremely
qualified, highly-educated and intelligent, caring, Church related
professional whom I have much confidence in to help me deal with every
aspect of my grief for my husband and for me; yet, I am reluctant and
somewhat embarrassed to even bring up the subject of my "missing" sex
life with. What advice do you have for me or good books can you
recommend to help me educate myself about all of this? Thank you, in
advance, for reading the world's longest (yet equally sincere) question.
Signed, Troubled in Alabama. {P.S. We had a wonderful mutually
satisfying sex-life as our health would allow. We never really lost the
Romance}.

First, I want to say I am sorry for your loss. It must be incredible difficult
to loss someone whom you spent so much of your life with. You ask a
very important question and one that speaks deeply about the
significance of our sexuality as something special shared with a life
partner. As you probably already know, grief is an amassing of many
little and big losses that come when a loved one dies.   And in the
grieving process, we must experience these multiple losses one by one.
So is true with the loss of the sexual relationship you had with your
husband and the loss of the one way you expressed your sexuality for all
those years. It is absolutely natural for you to grieve this. I encourage
you to talk to your grief counselor about this because I am sure a well
qualified grief counselor will recognize the significance of this loss and be
able to support you through the healing.

The fact that you are experiencing erotic dreams and sexual stirrings is
also very natural. You are still a living, breathing, human spirit and your
sexuality attests to that. Just as your appetite for food and thirst for
water did not die with your husband (though may have been temporarily
interrupted), your sexual needs remain as well.   I recommend reading
Gail Sheehy’s “Sex and the Seasoned Woman” because this book talks
candidly about the changes life brings, the transitions experienced as we
age and the fact that woman do not loss their sexualilty, rather it can
flourish as we age, becoming more integrated as part of our identity.
The book also addresses grief and the loss of a life partner.

Best wishes to you.